thesystemdied

I usually always feel pretty lonely when I front, I know most of us do because we never actually have anyone to talk to. The host already doesn't have many friends as is. hardly talks to anyone and anyone hardly talks to them. so you know it can be even harder for any of us who already hardly know these people to start a conversation. I don't fully hate it, I'm not good at talking to people anyway but sometimes I do wish I could do something that wasn't just laying in our bed.

And another thing, I hate seeing ourselves. I hate not seeing me when I look into any reflective surface. I hate not seeing my hair, my face, my hands, my anything. I hate that feeling of feeling like me but not looking like me. it drives me crazy.

I hate being here. I never know what to do.

- Никита

I found myself thinking about halo, my ex. It's been a good long while now since he just ghosted me for no reason. I don't think about them much anymore. I'm not sure if that's linked to the fact that I haven't been here very often or if I'm just trying to block it out. I can hardly remember when it all happened. All I know, all I can really remember, is waking up one day to find myself blocked by them. Nothing more than that. No message of any kind, no signs, no anything, he was just gone. I was distraught, who wouldn't be? I know we weren't dating for very long but I loved him, every bit of him. I did things, told him things I had never done or told anyone else before. For the first time ever I felt like someone, he made me feel like I was actually some person. I was talking, doing things, existing, and it was all because of him and then he was just gone for no reason. I remember we used to stalk his tiktok quite a lot, see what he was posting, just check. But then the account just disappeared and I haven't seen anything from him since.
I still don't understand it. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong.

Of course I still miss him, he was everything to me. Some part of me is still hoping he’ll come back, that there's a small chance he might. I doubt it's true though. I just wish I knew what I had done wrong.

Simon